I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
