Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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