she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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