I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
