I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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