This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
