So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
