I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
