mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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