Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
