Ambien. No doubt about it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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