You're completely useless in the revolution.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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