Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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