bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
