Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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