my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
