At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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