My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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