I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
