my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
