I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
