you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
