Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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