GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
