The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
