Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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