I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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