You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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