Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
