I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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