and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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