Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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