Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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