i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
