Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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