we're blogging at a bar
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
