I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
