and you said cock pushups were impossible
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
