Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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