You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
