I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
