YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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