if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
