pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
