My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
