my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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