To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
