My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
