The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
