He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
