dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
