White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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