if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
