The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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