People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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