I'm going to jail i love you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
