Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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